Success is in the eye of the believer.

   As I sit here and recall the whirlwind of events that have transpired over the last month, I can't help but have a massive grin on my face. I've represented my nation in front of a thousand fans with even more online, cheering myself and my teammates on as we attempted to write history.

 

 One year ago, I was fresh out of BMT, struggling to adapt to the vigorous training schedule in my new posting, going through a heart wrenching break up and thinking that the decision I made to not attend command school in order to allow myself to chase a far-fetched footballing dream was a terrible one. I was in a hole, and I can't say I was happy whatsoever. I was so far away from my lifelong friends, in a situation I never wanted to be in, unable to do what I loved. I had a goal, unknowing if it would ever materialise. Here I am, in a position that I dreamt of for years, and more importantly that I manifested for myself. 

  Hearing passionate fans scream the Singapore National Anthem in admiration of your performances, seeing the kind messages that friends and family send, and hearing your name called and applauded as you step onto the pitch is something surreal that I've never once thought I would experience. A dream that I never envisioned occurring whatsoever. As I stood there and soaked in all in last Sunday evening, it nearly brought a tear to my eye, having a moment of reflection I realised that I had accomplished something very few people get to, I had backed myself in September of 2020 and it had paid off beyond my wildest imagination. Playing against some of the best young footballers in the world; the one percent, it also made me realise the levels in this game and how much room there is for me to grow. I'm hungrier than ever, to secure more opportunities, to improve more and to ultimately make more memories. 

  As I touched on earlier, I backed myself in September of 2020, I chose to be a man in order to give myself an opportunity to be able to play football if it arose instead of attending a Sergeant or Officer Training School. At the time, my batch mates and friends questioned the decision, and I mulled over it daily until the day we had to formally submit our interest. Looking back on it, it was such a straight forward and easy decision if I knew that this was where I'd end up. But I didn't. No one did. No one could have told you that I'd have signed a professional contract and appeared for my country in 12 months time. Isn't that fucking ridiculous. 

  Throughout my youth, I was always decent at football, an above average player. If you asked any coach to pick a player that would go on to represent their country or play professionally, I wouldn't have been at the top of their list. There were players far more technically gifted than me and far more physically gifted than me, but one thing I always prided myself on was my commitment to training and to a team. I would've done anything to train and I did, missing countless school and social events in order to train, not in order to chase a dream of becoming a professional, but because I loved football I guess. I don't know why young Jared made those sacrifices for football, because what I've accomplished was never in his sights, in fact they were so far from that he never looked at football as a career. Ever since the age of 14, I was focused on my schooling and going to University and playing football on the side. I never had a taste of a professional set up. I paid subscription fees for training, kit and coaching. I was blessed to have my parents support for all of this, but who knows if I'd even be playing whatsoever if it wasn't for them? 

  I don't know why, but I set my mind to it after I made that decision last year. I trained with professionals when I wasn't one, I used my NS allowance to pay a couple of hundred bucks a month for online work outs and training. I was doing football-specific workouts in camp when I could have been trying to get massive and look good for the gram. I did so many things that don't make sense, especially when I had received no indication that I'd ever get a chance with Young Lions or in football here. I've mentioned before that I was ready to quit days before I was finally offered a trial, I thought it wasn't meant for me and that I should spend my time on other things. 

  I've done so much in the last year between football, the army and this unorganised blog that I'm so happy with. It's been a roller coaster of emotions to say the least but journalling it has allowed me to reflect on it in a way I otherwise wouldn't have, forcing me appreciate it more in the process. 

  I do lastly and crucially want to touch on mental health as well, something that I've become greatly more aware of throughout this period as well. I feel as though I suffer from a form of impostor syndrome. For as long as I remember, joining new groups of people, especially in football I felt like I didn't belong. This became extremely apparent to me with the National team and somewhat with Young Lions. These individuals were my friends, but they were also footballers with CVs that far exceeded mine and I feel like I didn't warrant a place alongside them in the set-up. They were SPL Champions, Young Players of the Year, Full Singaporean Internationals or they had 50+ SPL appearances etc etc. I felt as if I was a player who didn't deserve to be there and it weighed me down. It's one thing to use those around you to push yourself to be the best you can be and that's what I wanted, but I often found myself straying from that and instead over criticising myself, to the point that one mistake from the previous day's training would eat me up for days. Even throughout the selection process prior to the tournament. I felt as thought I didn't deserve to be there and that I would get cut and I was happy with the opportunity regardless. I didn't have faith in myself before training even started. Thankfully I was wrong, but it took me a while to see that. I spoke to friends and family who supported me, guided me and told me to have faith in the work I've put in. It turned out pretty well :).

  To whomever needs to hear this: Back yourself. Take a chance on yourself and see where it goes. I dipped my toe in the water, and now one year on I'd like to think I'm not drowning. I've got some floaties on but I'm ready to take them off and keep seeing where I can take this.

  Thanks again for reading, hopefully this has been insightful to some of you or you can take my mini journey as a kick up the ass to challenge yourself and do something you've been scared of pursuing.

- Jared.