This shit is hard

I’m writing this entry in camp on my phone and I just want to address a few general things about being in the army and this blog.

1. I haven’t been writing entries as frequently as I like simply because when you spend five days a week doing draining and mundane activities, you feel like the little free time that you have on the weekends should be spent doing exciting things or things you don’t have the chance to do in the week. Things that you may be able to enjoy everyday. For me that’s football, gaming or enjoying a night with the boys or my family. For those of you that actually enjoy reading this, I promise I’ll try to update this more frequently.

2. Expanding on some of the things I mentioned in the first paragraph, serving National Service is hard. Seeing your friends enjoying their freedom on social media, not being able to do the simple things that you used to take for granted and taking shit from people everyday for the most idiotic reasons is draining. 

  It goes without being said that no one enjoys being yelled at, but when that becomes routine for you and something that you expect, it fucks with you mentally. There’s a lot of pent up frustration and anger. You can’t talk back even if you know you’re right, you’re in a disadvantageous position from the start, the rules and conventions in place are all leading you to get fucked everyday. It’s hard for someone to understand what it’s like, and I’ve had this discussion numerous times with fellow international NS kids. No one is used to this, no one can empathise for you. It’s a unique experience in the worst ways possible.

  It’s draining and when you finally have those few moments in a day to lie on your bed and be on your phone or workout, it’s easy to let negative thoughts consume you and it’s a struggle I’ve had. You ask yourself why you’re here, why didn’t you run when you had the chance, why you had to be born Singaporean or be a PR. It’s no secret that everyone thinks these things. Some of my best friends in NS experience things even worse than me, not being able to see family members and loved ones for months, all whilst undergoing training and punishments infinitely harsher than mine. 

  It’s a fucked up thing to have to endure when you know so many people around you aren’t going through it, and so few know you are.

3. Lastly, there’s some light in the darkness as I’ve got just over a month left in my training phase, but even then I know things are going to intensify and the severity of punishments and the strictness of my trainers is only going to increase. I’ve tried preparing mentally, but I know it’s likely going to be more intense than I could prepare myself for. Just reminding myself that life gets a little better in a month and a half is all that’s keeping me sane at this stage.

The Singapore Army as a whole is a joke relative to other militaries, however what goes on inside is still unlike anything people experience at university or at work. I just hope that I’m able to shed a light on what people go through for people that are curious or are waiting their turn.